Adrian’s Story

About Adrian…
The story you are about to hear is from Adrian, who is an Aboriginal gay man in his early 30’s who grew up in Western Australia and then moved to Sydney.

Here is Adrian’s story…
The following transcript is based on two interviews conducted with Adrian over the period of late 2005 and early 2006.

About Adrian…

I’m from Western Australia. Born and grew up in Perth but my family on my mother’s side, which is where I get my Aboriginality from, her grandmother is Yamagi. Her father is Yamagi Nyunga. He grew up in Mekatharra area all around the mid western as well. And my grandmother grew up in the Kimberley’s and settled in Geraldton.

My Aboriginality has given me an insight that a lot of non-Aboriginal people don’t have. It gives me a sense of connection to my family, to my community. I think that when you move from one city to another the protocols of identifying with other Aboriginal people are completely different. There’s more acceptance. This may be also be because we’re, we are all from a minority group. And being gay you’re a minority in a minority.

All aspects of my life are important to me; my family life, my social life and my career. And I’ve always been involved with the indigenous gay community concerning health and particularly sexual health. My interest was sparked mainly through the indigenous unit at the AIDS Council of New South Wales here in Sydney (now known as ACON) and I began doing some volunteer work. It was mainly centred on support and social support networks. And it led me into casual work for the sex workers outreach project, and which at the time was a sex worker’s project auspice by ACON. Now it’s an independent body. Anyway, this prompted me to acknowledge that this type of work was an actual passion of mine. As a result this actually lead me into doing the Aboriginal Health Worker Course over at the Aboriginal Medical Service at Redfern.

Family…

My family has always been a very close knit family. Many relatives of mine have traveled; have traveled overseas a lot, so it’s broadened their mind. It’s broadened their way of thinking. It’s actually even changed their attitudes. And they’ve always instilled that um, that the more you travel the more you’re going to learn, the more you’re going to see other cultures, other values, and how you can apply them into your own. Um, I think that I’m one of the lucky ones when it came to family. Coming out I had a lot of support and still do; my family still maintain that support in whatever I do.

My family did endeavor to instill a lot of confidence in my own well being, my own mind set, as a result I’ve never been frightened or ashamed to disclose my sexuality or talk about my lifestyle. And I generally hope that when I do meet other people that um, that aren’t from a homosexual community, I believe that I can act as in a sense an advocate for the wider gay community. And I also try to represent Aboriginal gay people in the best possible light to non-homosexual people. And to enlighten them that we’re all just the same. I generally have a laugh and joke with them and that tends to put them at ease. So I’ve actually found in my own personal experience that a lot of people have developed some form of respect for me. Probably because I’ve given them the respect that they deserve as well. So I think that, in most cases when people are aggressive to something that’s new, or a concept that’s different to theirs, I believe that it’s just fear of the unknown.

Gay Community…

I participate in the gay community just by being there for my gay and lesbian brothers and sisters. And even our non-indigenous friends that are a part of our social circle and part of our working networks; to be there to listen. I think to point them in the right direction when they need the help. Um, and it can be little things. It can be just helping out in your local community. Whether it be gay, straight, or trans-gender. So I believe that always lend an ear and always lend a helping hand where possible. It doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to take on other people’s problems or their responsibilities because I still, on the same token, believe that people are responsible to walk their own path and they need to make choices. But it’s whether those choices are informed choices or choices that lack sensibility I guess.

One thing that can be a challenge in the gay community – like many other communities – is racism for sure. I find that there are times where, when say a group of Aboriginal people congregate in a bar and get a bit loaded and have a little laugh it can be mistaken that they are about to cause trouble or causing trouble. Or that it’s going to lead to an act of violence. So and then it generally ends up with bar staff or management asking them to leave.

I have seen many cases where somebody spilt a drink who’s of Aboriginal descent and been asked to leave the bar or been refused entry: Because they are presumed to be drunk; when they haven’t had a drink all day. Whereas, if it happened to somebody who was of non-Aboriginal descent; a whole different course of action would have been taken. And I believe that the only way around that is that when we are out there, we’ve got to remember that not only do we have to represent ourselves as individuals but also we are representing the wider community as well. And the way that we deal with these incidents is going to, will definitely have repercussions on other Aboriginal people. I think instead of standing there and arguing sometimes it’s just best to walk away. Make a phone call or some other form of correspondence in a professional manner towards them. To let them be able to, well to make them aware of the incident and generally they will try and work something out to fix it. And do what they can in the future to prevent it happening again.

Being Aboriginal and Gay…

There are men out there that only want to sleep with Aboriginal people because of, they feel as though they’re superior to us and the term gin jockey comes to mind. And they take advantage of that fact. They take advantage of the fact that we have a poor socioeconomic status and will generally work with that and work on that. Whether it be supplying drugs or other forms of intoxication. And this friend turned around to me and he had a little think and he said well if it means that I’m going to get a man, I don’t care. And I said well what example is that setting for the wider community. I said because as much as we need to take responsibility for our own individuality we are still a minority and we still need to set a really good example for our other brothers and sisters.

Generally I do find that on the whole the wider gay community is very supportive of Aboriginal people. I’ve seen some marvelous things done by non-Aboriginal people for any cause: Any issue that’s become predominant in our community. One thing that has been worked on by associates of mine is that the building up a better rapport with the Asian gay community. Which I hope is going to be sustainable in the future.

I feel as though going back to the sexual aversion that we spoke of previously, I believe that they have experienced the same thing and still have an ongoing similarity in the fact that they are still suffering racism on the same, I mean it’s not as if people are coming straight out and going oh you Asian bitch or you know you black bastard or whatever. But they are done in other subtle ways, so, but on the whole though there are a lot of good people out there. So, that will actually stand up and say hey that’s wrong you know. So I’ve actually seen the scene in Sydney do leaps and bounds since it’s been brought to light. So…

Coming Out…

I always knew that I was different but I didn’t know that there was a word for it until I was probably about 12 or 13. I started going to nightclubs when I was 15 and came out to most of my friends when I was 16 through to 18. I came out to my family, the whole, when I was 18. But it wasn’t as if I just said oh here I am I’m gay. I actually just said my mum asked me a question and I just said “yeah it’s true, I have been going to gay nightclubs, I’m gay”. And she was a bit upset at first. Probably because it was the stories that she was hearing from her gay friends; who were much older than me. And generally those stories came about because I was young but I wasn’t naïve, when I came out. And I believe that they tried to take advantage of me sexually and I just wasn’t going to budge.  So therefore rumours started because I didn’t sleep with them so they’d be saying that I did or they’d be saying to my mum that I would sleep with every Tom, Dick and Harry on the scene.

And there was one awful story that devastated her when somebody said oh he’s got AIDS and which wasn’t true. And I kind of thought well that’s not really setting a good standard to live by, disclosing other people’s status or um, or their lifestyle, especially to their parents when you haven’t told them yourself.

So I think that’s what hurt her the most. But the next morning she was fine and we just carried on. And when I went to tell Dad, Dad goes “oh yeah I’ve already heard, so what are you doing? Are you staying in and watching videos or are you going out to Connections?” So I said, “going out” (laughs lightly) and it was um, yeah, so he was really good about it. And so was mum, they were very, very supportive. They’ve um, they take a lot of time out to know me, to um, to tell me how much they love me and um, and also to get to know my friends and other aspects of my life. They um, yeah, they’re really, they do try to be involved as much as possible. Even though there’s a great distance between us at the moment because they’re up in Carnarvon. So, um, they still make an effort. Yeah so I appreciate that.

I did actually try to source, if there was any um, bodies that were already running as an organisation in WA and unfortunately at that time there wasn’t. But there have been some hard workers that have put things into place now; from what I believe over there, which is much needed. But generally on a whole I was lucky because there are other Aboriginal queens that were going through the same thing that I was that hadn’t come out yet. And there were only a couple, um, that were out, that were still left over from the previous generation. And they were a great support and great help. So, and the rest of us kind of banded together and we all helped each other come out to our parents. And I guess what made it easier too for a lot of us is that I guess our parents could see what, what a close knit group that we were and that we still kept the values that they’d instilled in us. So and if we ever saw each other fall we’d be there to catch them, pick them back up, help them out. If one was homeless, there was always a roof over their head. If someone was hungry; you’d feed them and just general support, just being there.

So you know what advice I would give to a young Aboriginal guy who was thinking about coming out? Think long and hard about it. Definitely build your own little network. And find, try and help, get as much information so that you can and source as many support groups as possible so that, and so that you find the best way for you to come out. So, um, some people may not be able to come out face to face with their parents, it may be a difficult thing. There have been, there have been young gay Aboriginal men that I’ve known of in the past that have actually lived in Sydney from a country town and actually waited for their parents to be down in Sydney, visiting and waited till they were out somewhere -but still in a private area, so that their parents wouldn’t over react. (laughs) So, because there was still people around and I thought that was very clever. I chose just being straight out and up front. But I kind of experienced first. I had to make sure this is going to be the right choice for me.

So just make sure it’s the right choice for you. Um, and, it is very scary. I was going to say don’t be frightened but I mean, that’s just, I guess that’s easier said than done. So because it is, it’s nerve racking and I think that, I think that you should source as much support and information as possible, and especially when it comes to your first sexual experiences. Um, definitely practice safe sex. So, that’s pretty much it what I can say. So because anybody really, if anybody sources information from a professional, anything that they say, that they discuss this, has to be kept confidential, it’s the law. So they can confide in anyone.

My preference would, knowing what I know today, my preference would be seeking out an indigenous or Aboriginal sexual health worker. Probably, or an Aboriginal mental health worker, I think. So that would probably be the best way to go about it, because they’ll be able to point you in the right direction. So they’re equipped with the right counselling skills so that’d probably be the best advice I guess.

Yeah, I would honestly say, that it’s important to find someone that they trust that they can confide in that they feel comfortable with: Either a friend, family member, a health professional; whether it be a GP, an Aboriginal or Torres Straight Islander health worker, or even if it’s a phone line. So seek out some form of counselling. Because you don’t know what way it’s going to go, I think the more you can prepare yourself for any particular reaction to coming out, whether it be from family and friends, or even the larger, the wider community, I think the better equipped you’re going to be to handle it when you get any particular, whether the reaction is positive or reversed.

HIV/AIDS…

I think that the big issue back then for us was, was HIV AIDS. Our parents weren’t well informed. We weren’t well informed. And I kind of think that a lot of us did a lot of stupid things back then because we did not know that information. Some of my friends haven’t been so lucky and they are positive. And they’re still; some of them are still coming to grips with that. And their families still don’t’ know. I, I guess I’m just lucky. It was the luck of the draw for me. And on that note, it really has reinforced for me the need for safe sex. That if you want to stay, if you want to keep the current health status that you have you’ve got to practice safe sex. You’ve got to take precautions.

I did have an experience where one of my family members lived his whole life in the closet and it was, though people knew, it made it very hard for him to get the family support that he needed in the end. He passed away because he was; he had full blown Aids and by the time the particular infection had set in there was really nothing more that the medical system could do for him. So it was quite sad. And it left the family wondering why didn't he let us know that he was having this, well that he had the condition that he was going through this, because they all felt sad that he was holding all of this inside and going through it alone. And a lot of the family, I think what really upset the family was the fact that they felt they couldn’t be there for him, that they didn’t have the chance to be there for him.

I think on that note if we start changing the community’s attitudes, and get a bit more community cohesion, on coming out, I think it’ll make a major change to a lot of people, and I think it will save a lot of lives. There probably won’t be so many people dying from HIV AIDS related illness or suicide, so yeah, and I think also I believe that people start to self medicate whether it be alcohol or drugs. And that causes, and that generally leads on to mental health issues that they suffer; so the three tend to go hand in hand.

What concerns me most about the virus from what I’ve seen, my friends go through or former clients go through, is the medications. A lot of them really don’t have a good time with the medications. Um, but then again some do, some don’t really suffer the side effects as well. But also on that note too it’s making the steps towards changing certain lifestyle practices. And I mean taking say an ecstasy tablet certainly is going to affect their immune system. It’s going to leave them open and prone to catching even the flu, the common cold, or pneumonia. It can also, well for anybody put them at risk every time they engage in any sexual activity because there’s a very high chance that they’re not going to practice safe sex.

So I think that’s what really concerns me about HIV Aids. I think the more and more the Aboriginal community is educated on it, I think the more and more accepting they will be. So that people who go through with it aren’t necessarily sexual deviates, most of the people I do know though that have contracted HIV AIDS have generally, have more than likely gotten it while being in a relationship so, and so it kind of dispels a lot of rumours out there that only sluts get it and it’s not the case.

Getting an HIV Test…

I had an HIV test done about six months ago so I’m probably due for another one. So, um, I have a really good doctor that I go and see and she’s quite wonderful. She generally takes an interest in the way I conduct my lifestyle to see if I’m at risk of anything else. She generally tests for everything. Because I’m a good boy (laughs) I really don’t freak out about them.

The first time I went for a test I freaked out. I’d never had one before so I didn’t know what would come back. Um, I was so relieved that I just, and I’d gone through this major stress period waiting for the results. And I remember just falling into a heap on the floor because it was just so overwhelming and I just like kind of thought “oh my God! I’m fine you know”. And I kind of thought, from that point on that’s it, I’m going to be tested regularly, on a regular basis. And start, and start being a lot more mindful of how I go about my sexual practices.

Yeah, my first HIV test was quite scary. It was quite some years before I actually went for an HIV test. I was in a relationship when I was a teenager. And after the relationship had ended that was when I decided to finally go and get a test so it was very daunting; very scary. No-one really knew too much about it back in Perth, that I can remember. And the few people that I thought may be, may have the better understanding of how the virus is spread, and who are the people at risk, and why I should go for a test, were I guess still pretty much in the dark themselves. I actually wasn’t aware at the time of anybody that or organisation that could actually educate me on it. There was also a fear of, if I ask, are they going to automatically assume that I’ve done something unsafe or that I may be positive.

There was and probably still is, a large stigma attached, negative stigma that’s attached to being positive in W.A.
So my first HIV test was actually done through a GP who I’d been going to in the city. I have an older gay brother so he actually suggested that I go and get tested there. And he’s actually quite a good GP. The first body, that first organisation that I actually really undertook seeking information from would have been ACON; probably because I knew people that worked there.

That was back in 1995, when I came over the first time, to live. And no it was pretty good because I had a friend that was positive - who actually would inform me about it, and gave me a lot of education. Gave me a lot of facts, even told me how having it made that person feel: Enlightened me about medications. Just in general conversation. And that person actually worked at ACON.

Being connected with community-based organisations…
Being connected with a community-based organisation like ACON was a positive experience, very positive. It helped me, not care what people thought. It actually helped me broaden my own mind and to think well at least I’m going to, at least I know how I’m going to protect myself. So I, so it was always a good experience. There were always support groups being run out of the organisation.

Being a volunteer for ACON is actually quite a fulfilling thing to do because you’re actually helping the people within your own community setting. And you can help them on a professional level and you can help them on a personal level. It’s very flexible in the way that you approach situations.

When I’ve worked with ACON it’s mainly been in the indigenous unit. Working on support group issues, just helping to organise and facilitate social support groups. Even just like administration work whenever they are a bit snowed under. Um, it may even mean going out and setting up for any presentations or any stalls in the community. It may even just be that person calling you up and asking for your advice on a particular issue for your help on something. So, I also think that the more you interact with a unit like that the more people you’re going to meet and the broader your support network is going to be, and your social network; amongst people from your own cultural background.

Aboriginal Medical Services…

Sometimes I go to my local Aboriginal Medical Service for health care and advice. I’m very comfortable with the service that they provide. They spend a lot of time counselling you prior to getting an HIV test as well as waiting for the results; and afterwards as well. Yeah. So it’s quite a well put together service that they provide for Aboriginal gay men.

Being in a Relationship…

If the right person came along I’d like to be in a relationship but I haven’t really bothered for the last three years. I was in a six year relationship prior to that and it was quite volatile. I guess we were both a victim and perpetrator of domestic violence. There was my partner at the time was suffering alcohol related let's say behavioural disorders. Which ended up, I believe that in hindsight that he was self medicating. I think that because of the fast paced lifestyle that he was going at, it contributed to a mental illness. So, I believe that, I believe that probably he kind of didn’t understand what he was going through, he started to self medicate and that just snowballed. So to the point where by the time it became prevalent to me, there was nothing basically that I could do to help him. So I think it was something more that his family could deal with more than I could.

So at the time, so yeah, so yeah, that relationship gave me a lot of insight into what I really don’t, what I know I don’t want for the future: Because it was a volatile, on both sides. I actually learnt a lot along the way. Um, it helped me actually discover my own feelings, how to identify my feelings, and how to manage them. All-in-all it had its own pluses – we were very intimate.

He was the first person that I’d ever been in love with. I’d had two live-in relationships prior to that; much shorter term. But yeah I, yeah definitely he was the one that I was in love with. But now I barely think about the person. So I kind of think you know, I’ve moved on. I’ve accomplished things that I knew I would never have been able to if I had still been with that person. We had a great life together for the most part. But there was also a lot of hurt in that relationship too. So I tend not to really dwell on it. I kind of tend to think of the things that did eventuate. And kind of think okay, what not to do for the next time, or not what to look for in a person the next time. So, yeah but I believe that if it’s going to happen, it’s going to happen. I don’t go out there looking for the love of my life or whatever because it’s just doesn’t happen. If it’s going to happen it’s going to happen. Two people just get attracted and that’s it.

Also, I believe that if somebody really wants to get to know you, if they’re genuine and they’re not superficial, they’ll more than likely take the time out to get to know your cultural background. It is actually one of the first things that I ask straight after name and star sign, and where they work? So, I generally do ask them, “Oh what’s your cultural background?” and what not: Because it gives a better insight into that person’s, their value system, their, well their whole I guess pattern of thinking. Because it does, your home environment very much makes up a high percentage of who you are.

Being Single…

But in saying all that about my previous relationship I now find myself in my 30’s and single. I’ve got to say it’s fabulous to be single right now in my life. It’s the first time in my life I’ve actually learnt about myself and I’ve achieved things that I couldn’t achieve while I was in a relationship. I have definitely learnt being alone that, I am independent, I can be responsible for myself, for looking after myself. I don’t need to rely emotionally, financially, on anybody else. I can do it on my own. I have a great support network from my friends. Um, whereas in the relationship I probably discovered, the things that I discovered more about myself was how to love and how to identify my feelings within a relationship, um, and compromise.

And also being out of a relationship has taught me self worth. So, to the extent that if I could offer any advice to young people coming out, to let them know that they are worthy: That they don’t have to settle for second best. Aim high and you’ll achieve it.

Finding a Role Model…

I honestly believe that everybody around me served as a role model in some way, shape or form over the years. Everybody has their ups and down and I guess a role model can even like be somebody that’s going through a hard time because you’re actually learning from their experience, so a role model doesn’t have to be a picture perfect person; because nobody’s perfect. But a good role model will use that experience to teach others. The role model can actually be somebody who you’ve never met before. It can actually be somebody in the media. Um, but I think a lot of people do place too much expectation on individuals who they consider to be role models. I think you’ve just got to realise that everybody’s human.

Moving to the “Big Smoke”…

When I first moved to Sydney I remember thinking how filthy and dirty the city was and I just couldn’t believe it and the houses were run down, this is before the real estate boom and then everybody started taking pride in the inner city areas. And I thought “gee Perth is so sterile, I love it here, and I’m staying (laughs)”. And the fabulous people that I met here. I actually consider Sydney to be my home.

I remember when I first arrived and the first time I walked down Oxford Street… The first place that I waltzed into was a bar called the Shift; the Midnight Shift. It was the downstairs bar. At the time it was like, half the size that it is now. And it was this tiny long bar and there were these queens sitting at the front and they were Koori queens. And I could hear them talking and like come on, who’s that one. And the next minute one of them, he’s passed on now, the guy that said it, he actually overhead me speaking to a barman and I was nowhere near as articulate as I guess I am now, and I kind of my v’s were b’s. And I didn’t, yeah I talked a lot of slang, and without realising it. And which I still do a lot actually (laughs). And I overhead this Koori queen go, “Hey no, he’s one of us”. And the other goes, “Nah look, he’s too white. Look why do you think blonde. What are you talking about?” No true. And they called me over, “Hey bub, come over here”. And I walked over to them and I go “yeah what? What’s you’re up to?” You know. And they’re “do you want a drink?” And I said “‘course”. And then we started drinking and they go “where are you from?” and then we did the whole you know, the “who you’re related to?” and you know, “where’s your country?” and all of that. And I thought that that was quite funny and it was just instant acceptance.

So, there was never any further questioning of my Aboriginality, and I just kind of thought that was really fabulous. That was I guess probably the most wonderful thing about being Aboriginal is that we have this process that we go through, this protocol that we use to identify each other with. Mind you there are people though out there that do identify as being Aboriginal but may not have too much knowledge about where they’re from or where their family’s from. And I think if anything we should encourage them and help them to find out if that’s what they wish. Some people may not wish to really pursue it so. But that was a really positive aspect of being Aboriginal for me and that really, I fell in love with Sydney on that day. And I remember ringing my mother and go “I don’t think I’m ever coming back”. (Laughs).

It’s strange being so far from my family. It’s not that I don’t love my family; it’s finding the time to see them. My lifestyle’s a lot different here. Actually finding the time, I’m planning a trip home this year to WA to catch up with family. I haven’t seen them in years. But when we do see each other we just pick up where we left off. It’s just a usual family dynamic, by day three of spending time with my mother and my older gay brother; I was climbing the walls and screaming for my party-going sister.

The Future…

My hope for the future is to excel in sexual health, working in sexual health, and sexual health promotion. I’d love to get into policy writing. Eventually move into research. So that it can better my community, and the wider community. I want to be able to contribute by providing information that hasn’t been sourced yes so that people can use it for the future. So that people can base that information or have that information be um, free reference to say a literature reviews, so that they can base programmes and get programmes up and running. I’d like to concentrate eventually in the field of research on the social aspects of people coming out. And how they can best be facilitated and how the community at large can be best educated on sexual and gender identities.

I’m still looking at further options. I’m taking a year away from study so I can work. I’ve just spent time with my family. And I’ll more than likely go back to work very soon. And start looking at different options such as scholarships. I’m determined to do it; determined yeah. Well I’ve actually discovered the passion for Aboriginal health, particularly sexual health, from my time moving to Sydney. And thinking about all the services that we lacked back in W.A. and I guess one of the main reasons why I want to pursue this path is to give back to the community that have given me so much.

The most important thing to me right now –probably because it’s close to Christmas – is getting to see as many of my gay brothers and sisters that I can. Plus I just graduated last Friday and I was really pleased to see the turn out and the support that was there for me. And support from my colleagues that supported me through the experience. So, I guess that’s my main concern. It’s kind of catching up with people in my life who are important to me. Thanking them, letting them know how special they are to me, just by being with them, and how much they affect my life in a positive way.