Corey’s Story

Being Aboriginal…

I’m Mununjali, which is one of the Yugambeh language tribal groups near Beaudesert. This is where all my mother’s family comes from and my father is German. I am a very proud Aboriginal man. I believe I have a very rich cultural background and both my mother’s and father’s background have had many influences on me. I come from a very large Aboriginal family, with many family members I have admired and who have been great role models.

There is good and bad in every community or society and there are always some people who will have more than others. The Aboriginal community has many riches but from time to time you see and hear what I call victim’s mentality. That it’s everyone else’s fault, the blame issue and just the reluctance to move forward and to accept things that has happened in the past. Not to forget them of course, but just not being able to accept things that happened in the past and look at a way of moving forward.

I find some Aboriginal people don’t do that and they get caught in the vicious cycle and get trapped and nothings ever going to get better.  We know there has been unfairness dealt to Aboriginal people past and present but if you do what ever you can to better yourself or your community that has to help in creating a better future. I suppose it’s about focusing on the positive not the negative. I know there are a lot of Aboriginal people out there working and creating for what I think is a very bright future for all Aboriginal people.

Generally we are a very supportive community. When I moved to the city, there were a lot of Aboriginal people from all over the country. The first thing you want to do is find people you relate to and make friends.  One of the things I like the most about our community is the interest in where you come from and who your mob are, I suppose it’s about finding family links.

Finding a role model…

I think there are many, many Aboriginal people who are great role models for our community; There are many past and present, like Charlie Perkins; Jimmy Little; Cathy Freeman; Choc Mundine and in particular my great Uncle Neville Bonner, who was one of the first ever Aboriginal politicians. I would like to see more Aboriginal people in politics, which is where I think we, as Aboriginal people, are going to have influence and see the changes that our community wants.

I also like to think as myself as a role model. I think anyone can be a positive role model by been active in your community about the things you care about and speaking up and being heard. I like the fact that an Aboriginal community is a diverse community, I like that there’s so many different cultural groups and people who have different backgrounds, not only Aboriginal but also many other cultures. We are a very proud and strong community. We are also very accepting which brings our communities together. You can go anywhere in Australia and our mob are always welcoming and want to know more about you.

Family…

I feel very much part of the Aboriginal community, growing up in a very large family you know people all over the place and they know my mob. Having these types of extensive networks make you feel comfortable and accepted that there is always someone to support you.

My upbringing and my personality have made me a stronger person. My grandfather was in the army and he did it very tough being an Aboriginal man who had to prove himself all the time. This was instilled in all of his kids and grandkids, it was like, take nothing for granted and work hard. So my mother and all my uncles and aunties were strong and supportive people. You know that no one’s going to do anything for you, you need to do things yourself and you need to better yourself, whether your black white or brindle.

Discrimination….

I have had my mob think that I have more than them, simply because of my appearance and the way I dress. Another Aboriginal fella confronted me once, who wanted my watch and wallet, while he threatened me with a blood filled syringe. It was discrimination; it was my own mob against mob.  It was very motive driven in the sense of his desperation and need. He didn’t need to be violent; we all help one another in our community.

I was furious; I never thought it would happen, it blew me away.  I thought that here I was in a new environment, as I had just moved to a new city and was just starting to feel comfortable.  It was all flipped upside down and I was angry, it took me a long time to accept it was a random and desperate thing for him and not exactly targeted at me. I think that it could happen in any community.  I don’t think it had anything to do with me living in the big city at that time; I was a stranger and an easy target. Drugs and alcohol have changed the way mob relate to each other, so you have to understand the underlying problems. It doesn’t make it acceptable, but it makes you aware of all the associated problems that come from drugs and alcohol.

I did experience discrimination from the gay community; mostly when I was about 17 or 18 and just started to go out on the gay scene. People would see that I was of mixed race and ask questions like, “what is your background, are you Maori?” when you say “No I’m Murri” or “Aboriginal”, their response in some cases was, “oh don’t admit to that, just say you are Maori or South American”.  It’s doesn’t make you feel good at all; it’s a pretty nasty thing to do. You don’t expect it, and when it does happen, you start to think all types of things in your head, like what is wrong with me?

There seems to be more and more Aboriginal people out on the gay scene now than when I was coming out, so that makes it a bit easier and not feeling like you are been singled out. You would even hear stuff like; “I didn’t think there were any gay Aboriginals”. Nowadays, it probably hasn’t changed that much, I just don’t hear it as often. Sometimes you will hear a passing comment about Aboriginals, and I have learnt to ignore it as if I am bigger and better. It’s something you don’t think of right away as discrimination, more like later on when you think about it. I find it really strange that gay people would even think about discriminating against someone else, given the amount of discrimination that gay and lesbian people go through at different times in their life.

Sometimes I have confronted people about the way they’ve made me feel. It depends on which situation or what context.  In one case I have.  At one particular club it came from a straight girl who said “you poofters need putting in your place”. I took offence to it as it was in a gay venue. I just told the staff and they then took action, by removing her. That way it was less confronting for me and I could continue to enjoy my night out. Once the staff had asked her why she said what she said, she realised it was wrong and apologised. She never said why she targeted me, I assumed that she was intoxicated or on other substances. Sometimes you wonder if you’re being targeted because of your colour, sexuality or both?

Drugs and alcohol are an issue in the gay community, but It’s exactly the same as in the Aboriginal or any other community, once you’re under the influence you lose sight of what your values or principles might be and others suffer because of it. When someone’s on drugs or alcohol; they sometimes don’t know what they are saying or doing. It’s not an excuse, but when I know that, I just keep walking. You’re not going to find common ground in those types of situations. If I could be absolutely sure drugs or alcohol isn’t involved, I might be a bit more likely to confront the person and ask questions.

Gay community…

The gay community, It’s like the Aboriginal community, it’s diverse.  I find that gay venues, clubs or events are friendly and not aggressive, people like to celebrate I guess. When people are happy and socialising. You feel a part of something that connects you to other people.

I enjoy going out and meeting new people, so I am fairly active on the gay scene, meaning clubs and social events. I work with a lot of people who are gay or lesbian and with my social activities; I have a fairly extensive network of ‘gayness’. For me I’ve found my happy medium. Its not like you walk out of a black room into a pink room, it’s about being comfortable in who you are, no matter what. I’ve never really had a problem with being accepted.

Being Aboriginal and gay…

I identify myself sexually as a gay man, but my Aboriginality is always there and even though I believe my sexuality was gay from birth, your sexuality is something you learn more about, as you get older. So I’m an Aboriginal gay man, and both aspects are large parts of my life.  Like I said before, our community is always very accepting and it’s the same for sexuality. It may not be fully understood by some, but usually there is interest from people to know more about you. I think when Christianity was introduced into Aboriginal communities; we lost a lot of values that were a huge part of our culture.

I haven’t been discriminated against by my own mob about being gay. Not discrimination, its usually more intrigue, as I don’t fit some of the stereotypes that people base their perceptions on. I see myself as masculine and have many interests such as sport so people often just say things like “you cant be gay”. I guess that might be a little bit of reverse discrimination but that doesn’t bother me. I am really comfortable and happy about who I am.

My grandmother had guessed I was gay, as there were other gay family members, but I don’t think anyone else knew I was gay. Because I played sports and was rough and tough compared to my brother who was very effeminate. I think they all thought my brother was gay and that took a lot of focus away from me.

Coming out…

I realised I was gay at a very early age, about 10 or 11. I didn’t know what it was, just that something was different about me compared to others. By the time I got to 17, I new exactly what it was and had totally accepted it. I didn’t understand what the difference really was until I was about 13, I was told by my grandmother what homosexuality was.  My grandmother would explain it as ‘when boys put their willies’ in other boy’s bums’.

The first words I heard about homosexuality would be just hearing people using the words gay or homo, and there were always lots of negative words used like poofter or fag. Whenever I would hear people use these words, I would listen up. I kind of new that they applied to me, but they were not always directed at me. It was when I started to hear some of these words that I knew I had to start using them as well. At that age, I was trying to hide my sexuality.

Then at the ages of 15 and 16 I was having sex, mostly at beats, but occasionally with a school friend. It was all very secretive; if you met someone at a beat you were hiding away from the public. If it was with a school friend you were hiding from other friends. You were hiding it from your parents. All the hiding made you feel dirty and different because all your friends were boasting about sex and your parents were saying things like ‘have you got a girlfriend’.

So when you decide to start telling people and start coming out, all I felt was fear, bashings, violence, no acceptance and death. I had learnt that being gay was not accepted by most people. I felt fear about death in the sense of not knowing what was going to happen to me and very scared of the future and telling people that I was gay. I had also heard about HIV/AIDS and didn’t know what that meant to me, because I had seen images on TV about been gay and dying. You also fear unacceptance from friends and that might lead to bashings. There were always stories at school of someone being bashed because they were gay or doing the beat.

You don’t start to hear the positive words about being gay, until you yourself have understood coming out and what that actually means. When I think back to my coming out days, it was exciting but has a lot of fear attached to it. You tend to focus on the negative because of the fear. As soon as you can connect with others and share stories or experiences, it seems to make everything alright, you start to hear some positive aspects that helps your own process of coming out. I suppose it depends on what age you come out, but there is these no-mans land between when you know you’re gay and decide to tell people and when you find a majority of acceptance. For me it was not too long because I started to go to gay clubs. This gave me a feeling of acceptance.

Because a lot of people have come from similar backgrounds to your own. When you are coming out and feel like you’re the only one in the universe, but you soon realise that many others have had similar experiences, and that makes you grow. The more comfortable you feel with others and relate to others, you just accept your sexuality and can start to focus on other things in life.

When I did come out, I told my Brother at home in our bedroom that we had to share at the time, he was fine. I then told Mum a few months later in the Kitchen, she reacted a little strange at the time, thinking it was a joke. Once she knew it wasn’t a joke she accepted it pretty easily.

I then told my older half sister and she was fine, she had two mums as my fathers first wife had left him to be with another woman. I asked my half sister to tell Dad, as I was a little worried about his reaction, he was fine, not a worry. So I pretty much told my family on my terms, meaning that I wanted to tell them and not have other people doing it for me or gossiping. I thought it was my responsibility to do that and even though the fear factor was there, you know that you are in control. Once your family can see that you are comfortable and happy with who you are, I think it makes it easier for them to support you, rather than the whole “are you really sure that your gay and this is not a phase you are going through”.

I have a gay brother, so all of my family thought he was gay and not me. Not at the time of when I was telling them that I was gay, but a few months later, they all said that “when you came out, we thought your brother was gay but not you”. The whole family pretty much had that response.

It was very different telling my friends; Very different, it was bit like telling Dad in that the fear factor was always present and I had no idea how any of them would take it given none of them had any idea. By that stage I had come to the conclusion that it was just a matter of telling. If they accept it, they’re a friend  - if they don’t, then they’re not, that was my motto. I wasn’t at a school at that stage so that was why it seemed to be easier. The friends I had around me were school friends but there were not the masses you have in the schoolyards.

It didn’t feel like my coming out went over a long period of time, to me my coming out felt like it was all of 6 months maximum.  Once the family knew and the immediate friends, that was it.  I was out, completely out. I started a relationship about 6 months after I came out. My relationship meant that I had support no matter what and I was able to go forward in my life. It has always been a supportive relationship both ways. I would have to say finding love helps a lot of things, including coming out.

Getting support from wherever you can get can help when coming out. When I was coming out, there were no specific gay and lesbian youth services in my community and that may have helped me: Like a safe space to be able to talk to other gay and Lesbian people; not just youth, but being able to listen to other’s experiences.  It would have been a great place to make friends. It may have helped with all the confusion about HIV/AIDS as well.

HIV/AIDS…

I am fortunate, but I have several friends who live with HIV and it’s not easy. It’s a huge change in your lifestyle and having to be cope with medications for the rest of your life.

You have to be sensitive when talking about HIV/AIDS, you don’t want to offend people with the fact that you are HIV negative and they are living with it. We can’t make it go away but we can all play our part and be vigilant.

I don’t believe I have ever discriminated because someone is positive. However, I know there is a lot of stigma attached because of people’s ignorance. To me it’s just another health issue that we all have to live with and not a reason to discriminate.

Getting an HIV test…

The main issue about HIV for me is about being negative and staying that way. I had a HIV test 2 months ago and usually have a HIV test every 6 months. I usually get a full sexual health screen, including STI’s too.

Staying safe is practicing safe sex, to me is about having enjoyable sex with condoms and feeling good throughout and after sex. If you have safe sex, then you don’t have the stress that goes with worrying about your sexual health. It’s just a golden rule, no condom no sex. It’s easier if you just assume everyone is positive and it takes away the uneasiness of negotiation.

There are times when I have wanted not to use condoms. It would be a fantastic world if it was the case that we didn’t have to use condoms when having sex, but to be simplistic, if you don’t, there may not be a world for you or a world that is all that much harder to live in.

Being in a relationship…

My very first night out on the scene in Brisbane, I met my partner who I am still with today, 10 years on. Being in a relationship means a great deal to me, I’ve been with my husband for 10 years and it’s a huge part of my life. I met him at a very early age and have been lucky enough to develop a relationship. It’s meant that I learnt many things from him. It came from someone I love and trusted. So I didn’t get used and abused. That can sometimes happen when you are young and just coming out. We became friends first and the relationship just got stronger and stronger.

HIV is an issue in our relationship; we talked about HIV/AIDS the very first night we met. Both of us wanted to have safe sex so that’s how it came up. It’s a monogamous relationship most of the time, however over the years we have learnt to be able to include an extra person in our sexual activities when we want to. Condoms are just part of the package and if the third person is not interested then neither are we.

I feel good about threesomes. I’m in love, so it is just sex. When we first started the relationship, it took some ground work to work out the boundaries and guidelines on activities, keeping safe and looking out for one another. It’s an open relationship in the sense of the threesomes, but we don’t do sex apart.

Talking about it and communication, it’s the number one rule. We communicate about everything that goes on in our lives. We are both good communicators and it ensures our relationship is growing all the time. I see our relationship as forever and I want to experience as many things as possible with my best friend and partner.

I am very lucky and I don’t take anything for granted. I did think that this might change when I was younger. I soon learnt that we had very similar interests and that became a foundation. Our relationship has changed over the years but seems to just get better. We are both growing together but also pursuing our own interests. Similarities are good but the relationship also needs difference, difference in our own interests and challenges.

Moving to the City and getting support…

When I was 17, there was an all gay men’s camp organised by a gay group. I wanted to go along and see what it was like to be in a situation with only gay men. I realised very quickly it was like been with any group of friends just different conversations and pick up lines.  About 6 months later when I was feeling more confident, I went into Brisbane from the town I was living in.

When I moved to the city it was exciting to meet so many diverse and interesting people. When you leave your community where you are familiar, known and accepted, the first things you look for is acceptance. Seeing so many other people who were living in the city and achieving, gave me a real excitement about the future. I felt accepted as an outsider moving to the city because urban communities have had a lot of outsiders coming in for a long time. There was a certain level of acceptance straight away and interest about where I had come from and who my mob was.