Crystal’s Story

Preamble

Sistergirls is a term used to describe Indigenous Australian’s who are transgender or who share experiences that are similar to those who are transgender. Sistergirls have long been identified as being a marginalised group within Australia’s Indigenous population.

In 1999, two community-based organisations – the Australian Federation of AIDS Organisations (AFAO) and the (then) Queensland AIDS Council (now Queensland Association for Healthy Communities - QAHC) – jointly staged a national forum for Indigenous Sistergirls. The purpose of this forum was to bring together Sistergirls from around the country to share their own stories and experiences with their peers and to break the isolation that many of these people face on a regular basis.

Issues such as acceptance, discrimination, loneliness, HIV awareness and community were just a sample of the topics discussed at that meeting. This was the first and only Sistergirl forum of its kind. As we will hear from Crystal many of the issues that were central to those Sistergirls present at that meeting many years ago, still remain real today.

Crystal shares with us a rich story of being an Indigenous Sistergirl from northern Australia. She has some warm and rewarding personal stories to share as well as some personal challenges she and otehrs have faced.

By telling her story in such an open way, Crystal in part, helps to break the isolation that Sistergirls documented back in 1999 when they first came together to learn from each other.

Here is Crystal’s story as told recently when she was interviewed by AFAO in late 2005 and early 2006…

 “If you respect me, then the culture will respect me and the culture will respect you”

Being a Sistergirl…

I’m Aboriginal and I’m 31 years of age. I’m from the Northern Territory from the Tiwi Islands, Darwin and a little community called Bathurst Island and I grew up in my community. I didn’t know that I was a Sistergirl growing up in the Aboriginal community. I knew that I was different. I felt a connection with girls than boys, because I felt like I was in the same situation and the same feelings with young girls that were growing up. I didn’t feel more of a boy than, I felt more than a girl. Sometimes you know, I think to myself being an Aboriginal trans-sexual, I always think to myself "Why do I have to be like this?". But I have to stop and think this is who I am and this was what I was meant to be in life.

I’ve marked myself as a trans-sexual, a Sistergirl. A Sistergirl who lives a lady life. Who um, have husband, who got the kids. You know. I treat myself as a lady, not as a male. And that’s how I grew up. Being, that’s who I am.

Most of the community sees me as a sister, mother, auntie, grandmother, you know; sister-in-law. They see me as a woman, not as a man. But in my community I have a high respect you know for my people and my people respect me. But they know that I am a, um, a strong cultural person in our community.

Gaining acceptance…

When I was growing up I used to be bullied by boys and picked on and there were name callings and also boys used to do a lot of bad things with me and you know hanging around with the girls and playing girlie things made me forget about being picked on because I was different.

I didn’t know why the boys were picking on me, because we didn’t know about all these issues about you know difference in our community and I was mostly picked on by how do you say, white kids and also with coloured kids because the way I was acting in my community. And most of the Aboriginal kids who grew up with me, who knew me as Cyril, they didn’t have a problem because they were a member of my family. But with other kids in school and other Aboriginal kids who grew up in the community, they felt different towards me.

When we would have ceremonies, how do you say, when someone passes away and we have singing and dancing, all of my brothers and sisters, especially my sisters, push me onto my brothers’ side and I don’t feel like dancing with my brothers. I want to dance with my sisters you know and I always tell them that this is who I am and through time I would have problems with my family.

I had to fight for a long time to make them respect me. And when, how do you say, sometimes it takes for the elders to respect someone, you have to be, you have to be tolerant you know: Like you have to just take it. Sometimes I had to do that, but now I just turn around and I say that you know "if you respect me, the culture will respect me, and the culture will respect you.” And that, that is a true elder. But I said that you know, sometimes you don’t disrespect culture or the ways, what goes around comes around. And that’s what happened to me you know, I respect my culture and I respect my people. And at that time I started realising that my people slowly, gradually, you know they accepted me as a Sistergirl and pushed me on the ladies’ side to dance and sing and to mourn for our people.

In my local community it was really hard for the elders to accept me because they have strong beliefs in Christianity and also in Catholic beliefs. And it changed the way of thinking towards me. And it was really a shock for them. For me as Cyril, coming back in the community as Crystal because they didn’t know about these things, they knew me as Cyril not as Crystal. But now me walking back in my community as Crystal is really hard for them to accept that.

Understanding the Sistergirl…

I had a teacher when I was younger. One day we were talking about gay issues. It was over on my island. And then she came up to me and she asked me if I was gay or not and I asked her what is gay. And she told me all these things and she was talking about it, then she said to me that you try to find out what you really are. So I did learn from her and then I started to get more inquisitive you know.

I felt supported and also I felt I needed to find more information about myself, who I am. I actually found out in the mainland in Darwin because I seen a lot of gay people and also I didn’t know that I had gay families as well. I actually started to go in my local community and also asking Aboriginal Medical Services for information. I had a friend who I talked to about accessing the AIDS Council and for the first time in my life I started to find that there gay people in the mainland which it was an eye opener for me. I’m an indigenous Sistergirl coming out. And I learnt a lot from the Aids Council and also from other organisations.

I learnt about to find out who I was and what I was, and to also put that in aspects in my life, to make my life right for me as a Sistergirl. Do you know what I mean? I needed to stop and think. This is what I want to be for the rest of my life. So I had to make the change now and for ever. I won’t fall back into the old ways; I’m falling back in the new ways for me Crystal girl. I’m gonna lead my life as a sistergirl.

Getting support…

I had a lot of friends and family who have given me support over the years. I actually had my aunties, my mothers, you know my best friends, and these were all straight women, Aboriginal women you know. My mentor, she, she was a woman that I knew that, she was a trans-sexual. She was from Queensland, and also another straight girl from Sydney. And you know they were great help to me you know growing up. Seeing them in real life and talking to them. They influenced me a lot. And you know I, I actually say you know my people do influence.

In my own community you know I had many people to look up to you know. I couldn’t choose one; I’d have to choose all of them. And put them altogether and make them all one. You know like when, how do you say, when they’re gone now, they’re still in my mind. Well, I go and visit their grave and talk to them and you know, clean the grave and sometimes when you sit down you can feel them. You can feel them in the wind. Sometimes when you sit down you can hear them whispering in your ear you know. And like when you sit down you can feel goose bumps and you can feel them that their present, they’re there.

So you know, when you have people have passed on and they’re your mentors and the mentors are dead and gone, they’re not really dead and gone. They’re in your heart and mind, body and soul. They’ll follow you to the day you die. 'Till all eternity you know. For me I know that when, sometimes when I have problems you know, in our custom we’ve got to talk to the dead you know. And we sit there, we cry, we ask them "Why? Can you help us, can you give us good feeling?" And you know sometimes when I, when I do that all the time, or even when I sit down at the beach and watch the sunset, beautiful sunset go down, you know, I think about these people in my life and I will say to them you know, thank you for helping me.

And then when I go to sleep I have that beautiful thought in my mind. You know, it washes all those bad feelings away you know. And when I get up I feel fresh in the morning and I say, good morning. And then when I’m by myself I talk to myself. And you know I let them know that I love them and I tell them you know help me in whatever I do you know. And you know your mentors that you have, who are dead and gone, they’re still in your mind. And you carry them in your little treasure box in your heart.

That’s what I always do, I just don’t bother you know. People say bad things to me you know I just try you know don’t think about it. I just, I believe in what I believe.

I had my step-daughter who has really supported me. But now she’s passed on, God bless her. She helped me through a lot. And also you know through my sisters and my sister-in-laws helping me to fight, to encourage me you know. But I’m thankful that you know, I, spiritually I’ve been blessed by the people, by the elders who went before me. And they showed me and they give me the courage. You know when I dance, I dance with my people and I mourn for my people who die. And you know when we sing songs in traditional tongue; I can feel the spirit of the people. And also I can feel the spirit of the old people as well, the real cultural people.

Because you know sometimes I feel when I am, when I’m in a ceremony like singing for this dead person or I’m how do you say, um, when you have a ceremony that person, you remember him, you can feel the spirit of that dead person, the deceased, and also the person that you’re  mourning for. You feel all this spirit that comes through me you know. And I can feel the power of my culture. Because I believe in, what I believe you know. And that’s why it gives me that how do you say, it gives me the power to dance with my people and people can see through me you know; who I am, in my Aboriginal law.

The elders didn’t know what homosexuality was you know. Through this generation, a lot of influences came in our community. Like Christianity, um, growing up in that Catholic background it is, it’s tamed our culture you know. And made our people think in a different way. But I started realising that you know, we keep on fighting, keep on fighting, sometimes you get somewhere, sometimes you don’t. But if you just go with the flow, then you know things will start happening. Like me, I started realising you know, I would argue, fight with families you know with sticks and you know, we have these big brawls amongst family. But I started realising, if we believe our spirit sometimes that will help us: Mind, body and soul.

The gay community…

I participate in the gay community, I do a lot of um, singing, dancing, for openings for gay venues. I do drag shows. I also um, how do you say, I work for a lot of different organizations, helping gay people. I also help Aboriginal gay people because sometimes Aboriginal gay people up here in the top end, it’s really hard for them to come out; with an Aboriginal cultural background. So I try and ease that pain for them and try and make them come out their shell; so that I could be strong in myself. And in the gay community I help white gay people and also black gay people. You know. I do a lot of things you know. Try and help them in many ways because we are all in one boat.

Sometimes it’s really hard for Aboriginal people to come into the city and try and fit into the gay community because the gay community is always where, I’m sorry to say, it’s where you know, drugs, and all about sex and all about who’s got the more money and who’s living it up and you know. And we don’t live that way. We share, we care, we look after each other.

But in the gay community if you’ve got the bucks you’re their friend. If you don’t have the bucks well you’re not their friend. Because you know why, I feel that for me, I see it every day. I live in both communities, gay and straight. And I feel the same; lifestyle is the same you know. That’s why the Aboriginal people we’ve got culture you know. No matter where we sleep in the long grass or living in a small township, or a community, we all to learn to cling to each other where white people don’t have that sense of value. As what we have in our community, back on the islands, we have a lot of support and you know.

Come into Darwin and its different: You have to struggle for things. You know some people do care, some people don’t. You know it’s a different lifestyle to what the community and you know; the community protects you. And a bit of community that the Northern Territory, Darwin, sometimes they protect you, sometimes they don’t. Sometimes you feel like you’re walking around like a lost soul.

In the gay community if you’re Aboriginal. You have to be the same as everyone and to me I look, every gay people are different. Every individual gay men and women and trans-sexual, bi-sexual, and people living with HIV are different in many different ways. But we see the two different lifestyles that they live towards Aboriginal gay people. You know ....

1) They don’t have the sense of value;
2) They don’t um; they don’t care about their own people; and
3) They you know, when, if you’re a higher gay, like upper class gay, you don’t worry about the lower class gays you know. And they don’t have a sense of value for family. Some do, some don’t. Correct me if I’m wrong but I feel that way you know; in the gay community.

I’ll give you a little story.

One day we all went to Sydney and we took these girls from Darwin to Sydney and let them see our fast life you know; beautiful lights. You know, just like in the movie you know and I told them, I used to live here. It can be good. But you stop and think, these Aboriginal, these white gay people or them poshy ones, they don’t respect you. All they want, I know for some maybe, correct me if I’m wrong, all they want is to have sex with everyone.

And I said you’ve got to watch yourself. You know, if you want to fit in with the people, you either have money or you have to be famous or you know. Um, you have to be well known in the gay community. But I said where we come from; like I was explaining to the girls, I said where we come from we know each other. From the day we were born. I said you know we look after each other. But when we’re here we’ve got to look after each other. Don’t let the influences break our culture.

Discrimination in the gay community…

When I was living in Sydney I didn’t fit in with the gay community. Well like I wasn’t famous, I wasn’t rich. I wasn’t noticeable you know. I wasn’t, I wasn’t all that for them to fit in their little club. I was just myself. I had problems with making friends. But I started realising you know; I talked to people, I talked to people and I always say that you know; I had to learn the hard way. What I realised that I had to be myself; as Crystal. I had to learn and to open my eyes and to come back and to tell you know, to come and tell our gay Sistergirls and gay men, lesbians, girls back home you know what it’s like. And I said that you know, it’s a whole, how do you say, it’s a different ball game towards their play there.

You know, I learnt. And I suffered; I didn’t have friends like you know for two years when I was living in Sydney. I lived in Sydney for five years. But I didn’t have friends you know. But luckily I made friends you know with the straight people and people who you know with the Aboriginal people, and I just clinged on. But you know I feel like for me, sometimes with your own kind, with the gay people, they don’t want to fit you in. You have to find some other way to fit in with some people. But I realised that you know; what goes around comes around.

One time we did a drag show, I did a drag, we did a drag number. And I was the only black one and there were a lot of white drag queens. And you know everybody’s putting makeup and you, me I would just; I didn’t have, mix and match; whatever I had you know. And I wouldn’t come out; I still looked like a million dollars. And every time when I go do my drag show you know, I get all these crap, they’re from all walks of life. You know they come up to me Crystal you did a good show; you did a good show you know. Most of the time you know; I don’t have shoes - there’s no shoes here in Darwin that fit me. I’ve got just normal thongs. I like it, I have the thongs and I still look like a million dollars.

And you know, people, don’t have that feeling and the gay community, the white drag queens didn’t like me because they think that I was competition. Because you know I see a lot of drag queens and a lot of performers, they’ve got to be challenging each other you know who the best dresser; who’s good looking and who can do a better show. But I’m turning up and say to them drag queens; you say “I’m much obliged” this woman would talk about me; you know giving me their ‘dagger’s. I couldn’t hack it one day you know, but you’d sit at their table. And I turned around and I said to them you know what, there’s something, I’ve been meaning to tell you gals… (trails off)

Getting an HIV test…

I took my first HIV Aids test when I was on Bathurst Island and I was 24. When I took my first HIV  test because once of my sisters got sick from an STI and I thought it was HIV. And I was so scared to go to get a check up and one of my friends said to me go, go, go for a check up and I said I’m really scared to go for a check up because you know my family might say something to me bad you know. And what happened was my friend said to me “come with me, I’ll go with you. No-one has to know, we can go secret way and I said how you go on a secret way. I’m going to talk to one of the doctors and we can secretly go to this, to the place, when at their lunch time, we can go for an HIV check up, and also for screening”.

So that’s what I did. She took me there. She loves to go to it. She took me there. Then I did my check up, did my blood test and I was shaking. I was shaking because I thought I was going to die from AIDS. Then the doctor was taking about HIV and safe sex and I knew about it but I was scared to get a check up. So I thought the doctor was going to, you know when you have these bad feeling inside of you thought the doctor was going to tell you, I’m going to die you know, But he turned around and he gave me a needle and blood test and said “you come back in a weeks’ time and I’ll give you results”. And I tell you I was worrying about them and so for the whole week I couldn’t sleep, and I was praying 24/7.

Before the test the counsellors explain to your first about the HIV test and then if you want counselling. So that’s what I did, I had counselling because I was a bit nervous and shaky and they said it’s alright, it’s alright, you’re not going to die. They were saying you know, and talking to me like helping me a lot. Then when it came to the Friday and I went back and I was still nervous, so the doctor said to me “you’re clear, you don’t have any STIs or any HIV”. My result came back as HIV negative, I wasn’t HIV positive. But I learned a lot from that experience you know and then that was really good for me.

I had a friend who supported me, who went along with me to get the test. I needed this support. But if you don’t have somebody there to support you, if you do it by yourself, just try and feel brave within yourself because the power comes within yourself that will make a friend, a friend within yourself: Inside. Because sometimes if you don’t have anyone to support you; you feel alone. But you make sure that:-

1) You have a friend to go out for testing;
2) You make sure that you are supported in a good environment; and
3) If you don’t have no-one you know - you still feel brave within yourself. Make sure you have the courage to be yourself because there’s a friend inside of you. There’s a friend inside of me, there’s a friend inside of anyone.

If you don’t have friends to support you, you know, you’ve got to stop and think that your health is more important to go and get that check up. Because if you feel bad within yourself that your friend will feel bad too. But if you feel happy that friend will make you feel brave and then you can go and get your blood test.

If you’re going to wait too long you know, you never know, you might have HIV or any STIs you’re going to regret it in the long-run. It’s going to hurt you and it’s going to hurt your little friend inside.

Now, I make sure I get tested every six months. Or even sometimes when I know I don’t have, if I have unsafe sex without a condom. If someone does come into contact with the virus it won’t show up in a blood test until about three months, it’s like three months until it shows. This is called the window period. So I make sure when I first test, that I wait for three months or so and then make sure I have another test to be sure. And then after that, I have regular tests every six months. If I’m sexually active I make sure I use condoms. And I make sure I tell my friends or boyfriends that they use a condom. If they don’t use a condom, no go, no show.

Being fabulous…

So I have a fabulous story to tell you… when I started doing drag, the first time I did drag, I did a drag show in Darwin. And the first show I did, was really, really, really, really different because it was a fabulous night, I was treated like royalty. And that was the first drag show I did was a song with Whitney Houston it was called "I Want to Dance With Somebody". And it was one of the best songs I did. And the songs that I choose for my drag show inspired me. And also it helps me a lot within my life.

I have a lot of people who help me in my drag shows and sometimes, before I go on stage I will say to myself, I’m black, I’m beautiful and I’m pretty, I’m going out there for myself and for my people. And when I say that, every time I do the show, I make sure I shut my eyes and I say three words. "I love Crystal". That’s all I say. Then when I go out there it’s wham, bam, thank you ma’m; everybody’s just screaming and we laugh you know.

And that’s the person that I am you know. Life is beautiful. That’s what you get from other people. And that is the most experience I could get in my drag show and also in my life. I feel that strength from other people you know, come to see my show and you can feel, or you can feel the power within them you know. And that’s how I feel.

You wouldn’t believe this, when I met Whitney Houston in Bangkok, I met her in 2004; two years ago and gosh she’s a beautiful woman in real life. You know, I got lost one day in Bangkok and bad things happened to me. And what happens is I got lost and I missed my flight in Bangkok and oh things just happened to me. And then all of a sudden I got rebooked in the motel that I was staying in then thanks to people in Bangkok and also the Australian Embassy in Bangkok helped me to get tickets to go see Whitney Houston, that was a big shock for me.

And seeing the woman live, well she had problems of her own you know. Her problems were drugs and also with domestic violence. She’s a woman that I looked up on because she’s the role model for a lot of people, gay, Sistergirls, you know, she’s a gay icon. That’s what everybody all says you know. But she’s an icon to me too as well. She happened in my life. And I felt like meeting a person like that, you know, she’s like royalty. You shake. That’s what I did, I was shaking, and I nearly pissed in my pants. Meet Whitney Houston. But it was like a shock to me. I was talking and she was very nice. She was a beautiful woman to meet.

I was shocked, I couldn’t say anything, and I was speechless. I was like, you know, you meet a famous person. I was shaking. My legs were shaking. My bladder was turning 100 miles an hour; I was busting to go to the toilet you know. But I said “Crystal calm down” and she said to me, that’s one thing she said to me you know, “you’ve got to be yourself to be someone”. And I said to her “well you’ve got to be yourself to be someone too because your songs you sing, you’ve got to sing from the heart I said to her. And I said that you are a person that everybody looks up on”. But I said to her “before you look up on other people you look up on yourself first and help yourself first”. That’s all I said. And then she signed her autograph and that’s it.